Humble, Not Weak
Early in my career, I had a manager who loved to say, “Don’t confuse my kindness with weakness.” Honestly, I hated that phrase. It sounded defensive and egotistical.
But over time—and after 30 years of managing people—I’ve come to realize there’s actually a valuable truth buried in it.
I’ve had a lot of performance conversations over the years. Newer managers tend to swing too far in one of two directions:
- The dictator: “You’re supposed to be doing X, and you’re not. Do it or you’ll be written up.”
- The doormat: “I saw X wasn’t done. It’s okay this time, but can you please try to do it next time?”
Neither approach works.
The first breeds resentment—keep telling people it’s your way or the highway, and eventually, they’ll take the highway.
The second erodes accountability—if you show people that expectations are optional, you’ll get optional effort.
So what’s the alternative?
Here’s what I’ve found effective:
“I noticed X isn’t getting done. Can you walk me through what’s going on? Are there any roadblocks I can help remove?”
That doesn’t mean I’m letting things slide. It also doesn’t mean I’m coming down with a hammer. It means I’m trying to understand why something’s not happening—so we can fix it together.
More often than not, we uncover something real: a bottleneck, a process issue, a training gap, or a lack of tools. We work through it. We fix it.
And when we’ve explored every possible root cause and it turns out the issue is just… lack of effort? Then it’s time for the tough part:
“X still has to get done. What do you need to do differently to make sure that happens?”
That’s where accountability comes in. And if the employee doesn’t have a good answer, that’s when I offer one—along with clear expectations and a performance improvement plan.
This kind of leadership isn’t loud. It doesn’t need to flex. But it’s firm, fair, and focused on solutions.
That’s how you lead with humility—without being weak.